My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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