my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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