Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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