Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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