I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
