He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Betty ford says i'm here all night
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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