she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
