Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
