I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just cropdusted the office
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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