so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
