i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
