I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
