I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
