I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
