well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
