trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
