You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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