I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
