Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
