how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
