I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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