theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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