I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
