just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Actions speak louder than pants.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
