Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Your cock deserves a montage
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize