long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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