Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
