I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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