She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
