Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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