I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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