So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
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I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
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Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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