I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
