I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
