): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
