I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
