Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
