i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
