Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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