I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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