i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my being single is dangerous.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
