Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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