you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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