he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
