im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
