someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
