Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
