I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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