Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My ass is underappreciated
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
