you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Two words: blizzard sex
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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