she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
