I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
