So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
