Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
