Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
