I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
