this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
