I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
