Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
