it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
